Bangkok Day One: Chelle’s last words the previous evening are still reverberating in my mind – what sort of idiot arranges a 7am start for a tour of the City, the first day that we arrive. Well if you haven’t read any of our previous travel blogs (firstly you don’t know what you’ve missed and secondly to paraphrase the illustrious Molly Meldrum, do yourself a favour….) you’ll have realised by now that Rachelle’s statement is more of a rhetorical question, as this is what I usually do on all our trips.
Anyway the view from our penthouse apartment in Bangkok (ok, its the 31st floor of a 32 storey hotel so it’s near enough to being the penthouse) is incredible and awesome enough to inspire anyone to want to explore this sprawling metropolis before us – even if it is 5:45am in the morning. I mean we needed to get some sort of sustenance before embarking on our days adventure but for the sake of brevity I’ll skip the description of breakfast.
Our guide, Kae, is of course waiting dead on 7am in the lobby. As we head off I can’t help but commenting on how little traffic there appears to be on the streets. I guess because it’s Saturday morning. No apparently it gets really busy as we’re staying in the CBD (which I had no clue when I booked) where all the good international schools are – so on Saturday all the good Thai parents take their kids in for a full day of extra tutoring whilst they go shopping. Which means we are just a fraction earlier than the rush hour traffic.
Kae explains that we are not really in Bangkok but in Krung Threp, the City of Angels. Personally I thought that title was already taken, I mean this ain’t LA, mind you with its hulking skyscrapers and endless freeways it probably is a reasonable comparison. Truth be told, according to my bible, the Lonely Planet, it’s full name is Krungthrep mahanakhon amonratanakosin mahintara ayutha mahadilok popnopparat ratchathani burirom udomratchaniwet mahasathan amonpiman avatansathit sakkathattiya witsanukamprasit. If you want to know what that translates to be look up Lonely Planet. Otherwise just tuck it away in your memory banks for the next quiz night when someone asks what’s the capital of Thailand.
As we head down one of the numerous expressways out of the city, Kae points out a number of landmarks, including that famous open air bar with a golden dome on the roof of a 62 storey hotel – you know, the one in The Hangover Part II, where the Wolf Pack meet a gangster, who demands Chow’s bank account password by the following morning in exchange for Stu’s future brother-in-law, Teddy. You have to watch the movie, it’s a classic.
Anyway by this time we’ve crossed one of the many bridges spanning the Mae Nam Chao Phraya. I won’t recount the scene from The Hangover Part II, where they are racing in a speedboat down the river to try and get to Stu’s wedding ceremony in time – watch the movie!! Anyway by this time the expressway has almost become a stationary car park – something about the government giving everyone 1,000 Baht (approx. $50) as long as they spent it in a different province to where they reside and of course the nearest alternative province to Bangkok is right where we are heading, apparently along with the rest of the population who’s unexpected booty is burning a hole in their pockets.
First stop is the Maeklong Railway Markets, which thanks to a number of viral videos on YouTube, is now one of the ‘hottest’ tourist destinations in Bangkok. At first glance this is your atypical Asian market setup, with a plethora of Thai sweets, meat, seafood, vegetables, fruits and drinks. The exception being it has a railway line running through the middle of it and every two and half hours there’s a train that heads down those tracks. That’s right literally moments before the train heads through all the various vendors pull back their awnings, which is why the market is locally known as the Talat Rom Hoop or the “Market Umbrella Close”, the shop holders adjust their stalls so that they perfectly encapsulate the train as it rolls through. The awnings are pulled back only as far as necessary. The baskets of fruits and vegetables are shifted just enough as to not be sliced by the metal wheels. Shame can’t be said about the multitude of tourists trying to get the perfect selfie. Then once the train passes, the vendors immediately, and quite nonchalantly put the awnings back into their original places. Everyone goes back to normal as if nothing extraordinary had ever happened.
Now when Kae had asked earlier whether we had any food allergies, and when I responded that we have none, I failed to guess that meant we were now fair game for her to get us to sample every imaginable morsel from the market vendors. Though even Chelle has to admit the banana rotti was pretty good, I still won’t explain to her though what went into the iced tea.
Then we’re back on the road and off to the Damnoen Saduak Floating Market, which is over 100years old but is now essentially a waterside souvenir stand filled with package tourists, all eager for that ‘authentic‘ floating market experience, as this is the floating market you see in most Bangkok postcards and promotional videos. That means it attracts huge numbers of tourists all hoping to catch that quintessential image of a grandma paddling her wooden boat along a canal to buy a coconut – or better still, a whole traffic jam of little rowing boat making a picture-perfect postcard image of a trip to Thailand. In reality it is the ultimate tourist trap, and you’re more likely to come across far more fellow tourists – huddled up in numerous boats exactly like you – than any real-life grandmas genuinely out to do their daily fresh food shopping. As we hop into our own narrow canoe I’m at least happy that we have what appears to be our genuine grandma paddling it through the large assembly of stalls set up on the canal’s banks, selling all manner of tacky goods from postcards to the kind of souvenirs you’ve likely already seen by the bucket-load at most Thai tourist markets, just for slightly more exorbitant prices. At least Kae had the commonsense to let us cruise through the confluence of overloaded noisy long boats full of sweaty tourists and smaller waterborne food vendors without stopping. Don’t get me wrong I thoroughly enjoyed the fact that it was like being in floating wooden dodgem cars with the occasional snack option either cold beer, coconut juice, hot satays or grilled chicken cruising up beside you… the constant noise and mayhem of this market needs to be experienced to be believed.
We did get one stop to stretch our legs at the local coconut plantation on a quieter stretch of the canals. They make this amazing coconut toffee from the nectar of the coconut flower – I could almost read Chelle’s mind as her thoughts recalled the after effects of me eating candy from a bazaar in India, what the hell live dangerously is my motto.
Next stop is the Amphawa Floating Markets, which after the chaos of Damnoen Saduak is almost a tranquil paradise. Apparently this is more your traditional floating market with most of the stalls lined along a single canal where you can stroll along at your leisure. There are also much less vendors on boats than I expected, particularly after our last experience but you’ll find the occasional small wooden boat that cook and sell their foods (especially a lot of dubious but potentially delicious seafood) to visitors, but you eat on small wooden tables in front of those boats on the canal edge. That is unless you are one of the indigenous water monitors (think mini Komondo Dragon) who is well fed by the local fishmonger. Actually Kae must think is a resemblance as she feeds me another dodgy snack from a street vendor.
Time for another cruise, as well pile into another low draft canoe, some more gingerly than others – don’t think Chelle will ever truely appreciate life on the water. A quick bog lap down the main canal, all to chase down a waterborne ice cream vendor for a local coconut rotti – Kae was determined that he wouldn’t get away. The boat driver has an uncanny knack of spotting water monitors everywhere – that is unless they really are everywhere around here. Heading up the Mae Khlong river, Kae explains that when the sun sets here the trees are light up with fireflies – not much good when the heat of the afternoon sun is slowly melting us into puddles of sweat.
Finally we arrive at Wat Bang Kung, the locals are feeding the fish at the waters edge, much like you would feed a pack of hungry piranha. The water is literally boiling with frenzied marine life. At first you’d think they had never had a morsel in their life but then when you see the size of them, some of which are so bloated they have to float sideways to get their mouths around the pellets we’re tossing them. Apparently it is good merit for Buddhists to feed them and bad merit to catch them – now I know why they never leave this waterside sanctuary.
Inside the temple grounds it is a bizarre zoo with water buffalo, camels, horses, sheep, goats, a crocodile and even an ostrich. It all started when a Buddhist devotee donated an albino water buffalo and ever since then people have been offloading animals for the temple to look after. Personally I cringe at the cages that they’re in but I guess the alternative is the slaughterhouse… The actual temple is across the street, which is far more impressive than the ‘petting zoo’.
There you’ll find plenty of statues of fighters in front of a building and a small temple which has been engulfed by the roots and branches of a large banyan trees over the course of several centuries the stone structure. It reminds me a bit of Tomb Raider or Indiana Jones however given the mass of people from multiple tour groups it kinda loses a little bit of that charm. The area served as an army stronghold of the Siamese after the ancient city of Ayuttahya was overrun by the Burmese in 1767. During this time, Burmese forces blockaded the Mae Khlong river and the Siamese General Taksin gathered his army in the Wat Bang Kung area. When the Burmese forces attacked the Siamese camp, General Taksin and his warriors were victorious turning the tide of the war in favor of the Siamese. The following year the Burmese forces retreated from Siam and the area was reclaimed by the jungle. Here endth the history lesson.
Our drive home is an adventure all in itself – the traffic is horrendous and this is a Saturday afternoon. It takes two and half hours to drive 80 kilometres, with the last 15km over an hour. Heaven knows what it’s like in peak hour.
Postscript: I almost forgot our nocturnal dining adventure – many months earlier I’d booked a restaurant for our first night in Bangkok. At the time it looked fairly simple a mere 500m walk from our hotel. I can’t believe the Google maps doesn’t work in three dimensions as there are multiple walkways at various heights crisscrossing the intersection outside our hotel, meaning it ain’t the simple as going from point a to point b and I’m the town planner. After 20mins, for what should have been a five minute stroll, we arrive at Dine in the Dark. Simple concept you eat a five course meal in a pitch black restaurant served by blind waiters – what could possibly go wrong. I mean no mobile phone to take the obligatory food porn photo or check your latest social media update – heaven forbid that you have to have a conversation with your dining partner – what is the world coming to….
Stepping beyond our front door 